Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
