my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
