I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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