Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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