"it" just moved
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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