Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
