I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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