dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
