She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
