Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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