Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think my fart just growled at me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
