i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
