farters have to be the big spoon...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
