I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
