I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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