dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
worst night to have a conscience
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
