Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i barfeds in our rink
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
