I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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