When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
