i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
