areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
