life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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