becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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