dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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