one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize