I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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