dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i came on her dog
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
