Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
