LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
