I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
