I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
