made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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