i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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