Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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