I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
