I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
