cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Operation Purity has been aborted
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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