There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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