I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
