I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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