I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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