mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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