fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
