I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize