I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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