you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
