Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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