Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
