my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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