I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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