I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
