Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
