we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
