I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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