i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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