So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
