Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
