I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
