Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
