She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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