peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
